This Post is Dolphin-friendly

I’ve been keeping busy. Visiting one month old babies in Melbourne and watching butt-nekked men in Sydney can get awfully time-consuming. I’ve also been making random lists for no earthly reason other than the fact that I seem to have become inordinately fond of watching ink-words materialize on rice-paper.

Came up with one while completing my business law assignments. The plural is not deployed ill-advisedly. I figured there is no point wasting time each week so I just upped and finished the weekly assignments due for the next three weeks… and no, that is not a nerdy thing to do. Meanwhile, like I was saying… I love the world. Like my own sister. Which doesn’t mean that it can’t do with improvements. The world I mean, not my sister. Her too of course but I don’t call her “it”. At least not in public. Mostly. So anyway. Here’s my list of things the world can do/not do (dis-do?) with:

• Domestically challenged needs to be recognized as a handicap – physical, emotional, psychological. And legal. The legal regime needs to be sensitized to the special vulnerabilities that can be occasioned by a general inability to cook, clean and do the laundry. More importantly, financial help needs to be provided to the victims of such a syndrome. This need not necessarily translate into extra burden on the treasury. Tax dollars can simply be diverted from other low priority areas. Personally I think either flood relief or education would be a safe bet.
• Baggy, depressing school uniforms in extreme bad taste and redolent with the stench of oppression should be outlawed. I have a niece who quite succinctly sums up the general attitude of the populace targeted by such measures of repression and control: “they stink”.
• Selective extermination of selected specimens would also be a decided improvement. I already have a six-and-a-half page list of names… purely as reference of course.
• Initiate de-stress weeks where everyone gets to act ten years less than the age mentioned on their passports or any other form of identification accepted by the government. The psychiatrists thus put out of work due to the resultant de-stressing can re-harness their skill and channel them towards babysitting kids ten years or less, who during the de-stress week would perforce not exist.
• More proportion: tasty food should be healthy; desirable men should be available; sexy dresses should allow the wearer to breathe (the wearee is expected not to); sitting on grass should not stain business suits; faucets should be marked hot, cold and coffee. Etcetera.
• Pets should have the same life span as the respective pet owners. Lovers and spouses maybe. Pets definitely.
• People should not be named Gilbert. This is emphatically not a pet peeve. Sociological evidence has recently come to light that demonstrates the debilitating effect such a moniker can have not only on the bearer but also on those such a person comes in daily contact with. I mean reah-lly… what was Montgomery thinking?
• Free books and movies should be easier to locate on the internet. Dissent implies upholding capitalism. And if you just said “so?” to that then I’ll just have to pretend you don’t exist… so there.
• A five year mandatory conscription program should be introduced wherein the first year is to be utilized for penning a things-to-do-before-I-die list and the next four years for doing those things. Government funding may be requisitioned for this scheme under the same framework as delineated earlier. The department may require participants to submit one page reports on Paris to ensure answerability. People who don’t have Paris on their list should be shot.

Up with Betty Foy! Betty Foy for President! Long live olimanopsygarchy!